Update from January 27, 2021
So, for a while now, I’ve been experiencing some hearing loss in my left ear. But last fall, it seemed to get worse. So, after procrastinating for a few months, I went to the doctor to see what was going on. An MRI revealed I have an Acoustic Neuroma, which is a non-cancerous tumor on my brain. Yep. You read that right. I have a brain tumor. Because, why not, right??
It’s a rare kind of tumor that affects 1 in 100,000 people so I’m tempted to play the lottery sometime soon. After all, I’m expecting an increase in medical expenses this year 😉
But seriously, the good news is that it sounds like it’s the best kind of brain tumor you could have. It’s not cancerous. It’s slow growing. And it doesn’t typically spread to other places in the body.
But, still, it is a tumor in my brain. And I’m assuming it will need to come out at some point. And in case you didn’t know, I am afraid of all medical things.
I don’t really know why, but for as long as I can remember I have always been afraid of medical things. It’s why I haven’t gotten my wisdom teeth out, even though I was supposed to do it 20 years ago. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m terrified.
Fear is what’s making this news of a brain tumor so overwhelming. I don’t know yet what the treatment plan will be, but whatever it is, already feels so scary. I know things could be so much worse. This isn’t life threatening. But it feels so scary.
I don’t think of myself as someone who runs away from things that are hard. I don’t think I avoid things that are challenging…except maybe medical things.
But how can I say I trust God if I don’t trust Him with this?
I feel like this is one of those moments in life when my faith is real or it isn’t. When God is big enough or He isn’t. When I’m all in or I’m not.
More than anything else in the world, I want to leave my kids a picture of what it looks like to trust God fully…even when it’s hard…even when it doesn’t make sense to anyone else…even when things are uncertain…even when I’m unsure…and especially when I’m afraid.
It matters how I do this next chapter. Maybe more than anything else I do this year.
So, I’m writing it all down. I’ve decided to write about this whole experience for a few different reasons:
- I think it will be therapeutic to write it all out. I’m an external processor, so writing helps me to work out my feelings and thoughts about things.
- It can serve as an easy way to update people. There are so many people I love and want to keep updated, but don’t want to interrupt with lengthy phone calls every few days. So, this way, anybody can check back here to find the most recent update.
- As the days, weeks, months pass, this page will begin to be filled with things God is teaching me, the ways He is working in me and how He is at work around me. I want to be able to come back often to read, remember and celebrate God’s love and provision.
Here’s how you can pray:
- I’m trying to get an appointment with a specialist at Vanderbilt in Nashville, TN but keep running into administrative issues. Please pray with me that I can get an appointment soon! (Update – we saw Dr Bennett on Monday, Feb 1 and really liked him and his suggested approach for surgery. Now we’re trying to get a second opinion from Dr. Friedman at UCSD)
- I’ve started meeting with my counselor again, specifically to try to understand why I have so much fear and to start to learn to work through it and trust God in a more practical way. Pray that I have the courage to do the work and overcome this fear!
- This past week since I’ve found out has felt heavy, sad, and kind-of lonely. Please pray that those feelings will pass and that I can live with this disappointing news, but also be able to live in joy and trust in God.